The Maxitude

A little background info to get things started...

I live in Norfolk, VA, where the local public transit system is Hampton Roads Transit, or HRT, which it will be heretofore known as. I work in an office in Hampton, which is almost exactly 20 miles from my home, making my daily round-trip commute about 40 miles. With gas prices currently hovering around the $4.00 mark, you can see why I choose to hop the bus.

Over the past few years I've been a bus crackah, the buses have generally run on time, a few Friday afternoons and severe weather conditions being the only exceptions. I have to switch buses twice each way on my commute, with the Hampton-to-Norfolk route being the one with the most potential for tardiness. However, on the whole, I'd have to say I've been content with the service.

...That is, until they started the Max.

All of us riders had been getting warnings about the upcoming route changes. (I would call them updates, but the HRT memos taped to the bus stops had a kind of sinister propaganda poster urgency to them.) The 61 Express that took me across the water would be no more. The new wave of public transit would start on June 16th and it would be called The Max.

The Max would be no ordinary tin box on wheels with hard plastic seats like the other buses (referred to as Cheesewagons in HRT-speak). The Max would be a comfortable glide across town that would, according to their marketing crap, make my commute "the best part of my day" and "carry commuters long distances in a reliable, timely manner." Shit, where do I sign up for that?!

So, it's now the end of July and I'm just not feeling the awesomeness. Not only has the Max bus (specifically the afternoon runnings of the 961) been habitually late, but just about every other bus has been late as a result. See, instead of maintaining some semblance of stability by keeping the drivers of non-Max buses on their regular routes, they switched EVERYONE'S assigned routes. For the first two weeks of Max-ness, most regular route drivers had to either refer to a turn-by-turn printout while they were driving, or rely on directions shouted out by passengers, which can have some seriously comic results.

Here's an example...According to the Max schedule, I can catch the 961 going from Hampton to Norfolk at 4:15 which would put me in Norfolk at exactly the time I need to be there.

Perfect. Except for the fact that I have never actually seen the 4:15 to Norfolk. EVER! It's right there on the schedule, but it's simply never shown up. Of course, HRT customer service had an explanation of this when I called; heavy traffic on the interstate. Now, I'd buy that if I knew for certain that HRT did NOT purchase extra Max buses (for just such an emergency) when they started building the fleet. They did purchase extra buses, right?

My favorite part about riding the Max? It costs extra! That's right, we Max riders get to pony up an additional $1.50 (transfer upgrade price) to catch the slow bus.

We're so awesome.

Despite all the growing pains and other problems HRT is facing with the new Max program, they have a smooth way to give soon-to-be converts the warm and fuzzy...A TV ad. Let's roll the clip.



First of all, I have never seen this guy or anyone remotely like him on the bus. That doesn't mean I haven't seen guys in suits. They're usually older (50 and up) and often carry with them some array of bizarreness (like the random Tourettes tic or a subtly-placed ladies' fashion accessory) The cocky young professional twenty-something asshole demographic just isn't there.

Now that you've seen the ad, here's my take on a few key moments:

(0:02) Super-fast lightning people. Hell, if I could do that, screw the bus.

(0:08 - 0:12) Jaw-dropping wonder at actually being on a totally awesome real life bus!! This douchenozzle needs to get out more.

(0:14) Ah...stretch out your legs. There's plenty of room...in that seat anyway. Sit anywhere else on the Max and you're kissing your own ass.

(0:22) One last parting glance before going back through the magic Max portal to rejoin the world. Farewell, my fellow travelers...and hobos...and DUI convicts...and bipolar 40-ounce chuggers...

After looking at that, I have to wonder why HRT put so much emphasis on the Max ride being a time to slow down and unwind, forgetting all the stress and chaos. Isn't the whole purpose of commuting to work to get there as quickly as possible so you're not spending hours on the road? I mean, that ad makes it seem like you're sitting next to Hiro Nakamura and time is frozen so that the big ol' Max can weave in and out of the heaviest traffic jams. Then the doors spit you back out and the space-time continuum returns to normal. It's fucking magic.

So, in honor of the tormented mixed blessing that is the Max, I'm introducing a new word into the Bus Crackah glossary...

Maxitude: (n.) The unnerving feeling you get from paying a premium for something that has yet to live up to its promised potential.

Are you feeling it yet?