The H(u)RT Demographic

If you're like me, you had that one dream of stardom when you were younger. Yeah, you know you did. Like around twelve or thirteen. In my case, my friends and I wanted to form a band, blatant modeled after KISS...makeup, fake personas, and all. Of course, none of us knew shit about playing guitar. I mean, I had a crappy generic Les Paul ripoff I could play a few chords on and my friend had a bass he couldn't play, but we and a couple of other guys had it all figured out. We would take the stage and just blow people's minds out of their asses. A few months later, reality thankfully set in before public embarassment did. We all realized it was a stupid idea and we didn't know what the fuck we were talking about.

And that's where HRT is these days. It's in its parents' garage, making the big plans before knowing how to really rock out. Unfortunate, they haven't hit the humility realization stage yet. Kinda makes you turn away and let out that "Ooooo" sound that you make when you're watching someone really fuck up in public.

HRT has been around for quite a while, but all during that time, public transportation never quite caught on with the local mainstream masses. The previously mentioned demographic 'gets' public transportation simply because they have to. In most cases, there's no other choice available. But for the Yuppies, WASPs, and DINKs, public transportation has always seemed too low-class for the middle-class.

Even with HRT's recent marketing push for the Max program and the forthcoming light rail system, John and Judy next door will see no compelling reason to venture into the abyss of the bus...the Abusabyss. Gas prices could double and Mr. Hummer would rather ask for a hefty raise than forego the uncorrupted solace of his own vehicle. Go ahead and run next door and ask him. I'll wait.

Why this anti-transit mindset here in Hampton Roads? It's not like we're living in a rural community. Or is it?

When you look at more developed cities like San Francisco or Seattle or NYC, it's clear that we're just not ready. We don't 'get' public transportation. The Hampton Roads area simply hasn't matured enough as a metropolis to readily accept public transportation as a viable choice. Do I hate this area? Not at all. I love Hampton Roads. I love that it's a growing seed of so many things -- arts, music, business, culture. It just needs to practice its guitar and develop a better sense of its own reality before it can rock with the large-scale public transit band.

It's my hope that HRT will get its rockstar head out of its air guitar-playing ass and grow itself in careful stages. To generate mass acceptance, there are several things that need to happen first:

1. Massive bus cleanup. The buses are just plain dag-nasty. From hobo piss to fresh blood splatter (this afternoon, on the seat behind me) to blunt guts (the shredded inside of a cigar, scooped out to make way for pot being stuffed in its place), no one in their right mind would put their squeaky clean ass on a bus seat if they've been on one before.

2. Massive transit center cleanup (specifically Hampton). I could write an entire post about the Hampton Transit Center men's room. Actually, I think that'll be the next topic I cover. Lucky you.

3. Require all drivers to attend customer appreciation seminars. Let 'em stand in a circle and catch each other falling, hold hands with their inner whatever, go on a team building retreat. Whatever it takes because the majority of HRT drivers are just fat-old-Baptist-man mean.

4. Pay large groups of Caucasians to ride for a few months. Go ahead. Hate me all you want, but you know it's true. Whitey from the burbs wouldn't be caught dead on a bus where they're in the 5 percent minority. Think the nightclub scene from Animal House ("Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?"). Pay some white people...a good mix of old suits and young trendies...and you'll ace the suburban populist vote.

Once that stuff is covered, the public will sit up and take notice and want to get onboard. Then, HRT, you'll be totally rockin'.